What the f*ck am I doing?

I am on the plane. No passport, buck naked, on the list of forgotten items to pack: green pea coat and favorite black peep toe BCBG pumps. I wake up in a panic dripping from my own sweat. "What the f*ck am I doing?"

If someone asked me a year ago where I picture myself in 2010, I never would had thought that I'd be mere days away from overstuffing two suitcases worth of my precious belongings and flying myself across the world to live in Italy. 35 days away and the idea still seems ludicrous to me. But that's the exciting part to me. The anticipation of what's in store for the next year or so of my life is totally unknown. The thought of immersing myself into unfamiliar territory is so thrilling it scares me sh*tless, but that fear continues to drive me to take this giant leap.

Fear is a funny thing really. In most cases, it's what stops us from doing what our heart truly desires, because we are all scared of "failing". I put that in quotes because how can one fail if they tried? It's when you don't take a risk, that you actually manage to fail. Without fear, I would have done the safe thing, stayed in California, continue to work for an amazing company, surrounded by family and friends. But the fear of what would happen if I didn't go, overruled the comfort of staying.

Without a job or apartment lined up and knowing a whopping two people currently living in Rome, I occasionally get a puzzled "You're out of your effing mind" look when discussing my move abroad. This puts me in panic mode. My palms get clammy and I think again "What the f*ck am I doing?" I try turning this hesitation into excitement, but once in a while it gets the best of me and I begin to think twice about my decision. Thoughts of missing another year or so of my family and friend's lives consume me. This is no easy concept to grasp let alone accept. I remind myself that I have done this once before when I moved to Santa Barbara for school, but I was a car ride and a few hundred miles away. Not a 14 hour flight half way around the globe. Leaving all the people I love - my support system - will be the hardest part for me.

Putting family and friends aside, the little things that are now in my life have made me reconsider my decision. Yogurtland, the 80 degree days in February, and leaving more than half my shoe collection in storage is on the top of that list. This sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's leaving the comfort of what my life is right now in California that frightens me.

"What the f*ck am I doing?" continues to be a daily thought often accompanied by a handful of anxiety. But most days excitement of the unknown and the idea of change overrules the panic and I remember to just let go of the fear and roll with it.